Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.