Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*