Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac