Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.