Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

This is the one

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.