Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.