Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.