Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
You Might Also Like
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
spicy snake
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Bike is short for Bichael.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
congratulations to them
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
It’s an epidemic…
only 11 steps left
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT