Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”