Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
You Might Also Like
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
#damn
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs