Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

I like crazy people until they notice me

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*