lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
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While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Welcome
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.