lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12