lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
You Might Also Like
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
kids play hide and seek like
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”