Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

i feel so bad i refunded him

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.