@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity