Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs