Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.