Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
You Might Also Like
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly