Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
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if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.