Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.