Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
i think both sides are to blame here
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously