Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

me and my fake scenarios

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg