Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

How software testing works

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?