Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

mechanics be like

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.