Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.