Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.