Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom