Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend