Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Breaking news:

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper