Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

titanic

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

my mom making me talk to relatives

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.