“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
i wish i could marry a nap
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.