“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played ⭐⭐
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Oh. My. God.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact