@Karate_Horse

[loud speaker]
“Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we’ve moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts”

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@Darlainky

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

@Marlebean

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@WolfpackAlan

If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago

@noogscorner

Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.

@NewDadNotes

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

@pinupteacher

My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.

@rynchantress

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet ūüėÄ

@KentWGraham

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

@3sunzzz

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?