Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

consequences, the bane of my existence

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go