Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?