(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”