Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.