(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Safety first
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Something Saturday.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
School be like
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
phew
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.