*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
❤️❤️❤️
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.