@notittryagain

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

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@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@KeetPotato

[on date]
girl: “id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married”
henry the eighth: “our food sure is taking a while”

@duchesskk

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?

ME: hey!! You’re not blind!!

@djdarrellripley

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

@mack44_d

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

@dumbbeezie

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

@UncleDuke1969

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.