Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.