Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
You Might Also Like
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Always this one for me forever
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Help Wanted
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.