Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

😂 amazing answer

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole