Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.