Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*