Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic