Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir