Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

I know

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.