Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

my name if I was in the mob

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.