Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

This is a whole mood;

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?