Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

giddy up Office Depot

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is