[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”