Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this