Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The symmetry is uncanny.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*