Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
this isn’t threatening at all
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I laughed at this way too hard.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns