love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.