love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
boys are so easy to impress
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.