Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.