Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
LMFAOOOO
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Harsh but fair
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
stand with me against insufficient seating
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.