Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

What?

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.