Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
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This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Truth
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired