Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

RT if you know someone like this!!!

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane