Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

I think we should hear other voices.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…