Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?