love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
look scared
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie