Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

This is so me 😂😂

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

I’m literally crying

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”