Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

A man of commitment.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

She: I like Cats
He:

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

🤣✨#caturday