Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.