Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.