Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

just gave your address to some spiders

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!