love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
this is me
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.