Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
why would tinder want me to say this
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Does your wife know you’re single?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
my dad has had enough
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?