Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
it was love at first sight
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.