Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face