Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
You Might Also Like
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?