Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
me: my friends:
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Kids: Stay in school.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender